Day 11 - The Reality of the Day

I feel like I have whined a lot about work throughout my little experiment of posting a lot. It has been more on my mind than anything else though. Today took the cake so far in these 11 days for bad days. I didn't have to stay late, and I took a long lunch, but a couple of really bad events were enough to ruin the day. Among a few other things, I said some things that I probably shouldn't have to someone who has a whole lot more power than I do. I felt at the time that it was a good thing to do, and I still feel like it wasn't completely out of line for me to say what I did. The words came out of anger and were not as well spoken as I wish they would have been.

Shortly after all of this, I took a nice long walk by myself to calm down, think a little, grab some lunch, and clear my head. I first went to the post office where the only person smiling was a lady who by the looks of her was recovering from cancer. The line was long. There were only two postal workers helping as the line grew. The smiler was patiently waiting her turn behind me. As she made it up to the front, she smiled at the cashier and began talking to her as if she had found a new friend. She was excited with the fact that she was able to get some holiday stamps. I walked out after my usual dry exchange with the other cashier and continued down the block. This was by far my favorite site of the day until I got home.

I think I was asked for money four times on my walk, with my response on all four of them being a no. As I wove through the streets of downtown Dallas, I passed many more people. A bunch of business folk on their way to lunch. Some security guards guarding the back entrance to the federal building. A lady walking quickly by herself from city hall towards something else. A group of people headed with luggage to the Greyhound station. A group of businessmen that had just bought one of those fake papers with wild theories about the Kennedy assassination walking and taking in the sights of the Texas School Book Depository, the grassy knoll, and the rest of Dealy Plaza. A family that looked to be on a vacation with their kids had just come home from college taking in the same sights. All of them seemingly less concerned about their time than they were about they were heading and what they were doing.

All the while, I kept on walking, tiny bible in my back pocket; praying some of the time, stewing some more, and not really having any aim other than to stay out from my cubicle long enough to really qualify my time as a long lunch. I never stopped to spend some time with that tiny bible like I was planning when I left the office. After walking about as far as I thought I could, I stopped to grab some lunch. I ordered something to eat, and then sat there, eating my food. I knew I should get back towards work, but I didn't really want to. I ate my roll and wished for another job. One where I felt appreciated. One where I could still have fun. One where I felt like what I did mattered. One where I didn't feel robbed if I had to stay a little late.

I didn't draw many conclusions on my walk, though I guess I did achieve most of what I set out to accomplish. I started the walk back up Ross from the west end trying to refocus on the day. I wanted to get back with a better attitude. I used to really enjoy my job, and there are days where I still have glimpses of what I love. I used to take a lot of pride in what I did, and I felt like I was a part of making things better. I have become very cynical about it. My coworkers notice a difference, and I hate that. I think I still do a good job, but I don't have the drive to go the extra mile that I used to. I have let the circumstances as of late have drain way too much out of me. I never thought I would reach the point I am at where things cloud my view of my job so much that I don't feel blessed to have it.

I wish I could say that the afternoon was much better after that walk. I wish that the image in my head of the lady who had joy at the post office would have altered my view of things. I wish that I would have magically been back to appreciating my job. None of these things happened. I had the same lousy attitude for most of the rest of the day at work. I didn't crack much of a smile until I had been home for a while, and had my wife bobbing her head to a song I was listening to while I was back here on my computer looking at one last thing before our trip to in search of a gift.

Here is my prayer for tomorrow. I want to explain myself a little better to the guy I blew up at today. As I said before, I think some of what I had to say today was valid, but I need to better express what I was trying to say. I want to be reminded of the blessing of having a good job when I circumstances try to sabotage the day. I want to remember that I have a purpose of being at work beyond just to work.

I think this is all a decent start. I feel that I am far from being who I need and want to be when I am at work, but I want to be back to having hope that things are not beyond repair. I'll quit being full of drama about all of this, and get to bed. If you read this and think about it, please pray for my work situation.

Today's Playlist:
Mojave 3 - Out of Tune
Lassie Foundation - Face Your Fun
Cush - Brown EP
Cush - Self Titled
The New Year - The End is Near
Wreckless Eric - Whole Wide World (just a song, but it was the head bobbing song)
Don Peris - Ten Silver Slide Trombones