I Finally Jumped

Rather than spending all my time tonight sitting here tonight writing about things, I wrote an e-mail about finally finding somewhere to serve at my church. It is something that I have been putting off for no good reason. I have a ton of excuses, but none of them are worth typing. I had a good conversation with a friend tonight and was reminded of a couple of things. The conversation was quite rambling, and I'm sure my friend wondered where some of what I was saying was going. Through the conversation, I remembered that it is a joy to serve. It is a privilege that I have been a part of in far too long. I used to want to serve to a point that I didn't have time for much else, but it is something that I have resisted the whole time I have been in Dallas. I guess you could call it burnout, but that is a poor excuse for 3 years of nothing.

I don't know if what I e-mailed about doing will be what I end up doing, but I was excited to hit send. I will be glad to be doing something for someone other than me. Along with that, I can only skip phone calls and questions about serving for a little while. They know I need to serve. I know I need to serve. I wish I could explain why I have waited so long to jump.

Playlist:
Hem - Rabbit Songs
Sigur Ros - Takk
The Six Parts Seven - Casually Smashed to Pieces
The Clientele - Strange Geometry
Beruit - Gulag Orkestar
Clap Your Hands Say Yeah - S/T
Andrew Bird - Armchair Apocrypha
Muse - Absolution
Sleeping at Last - Ghosts
Lillium - Transmission of All The Good-byes
Great Lake Swimmers - Bodies and Minds
Robert Gomez - Brand New Towns
The Innocence Mission - We Walked in Song
The Magnetic Fields - Holiday
Will Johnson - Vultures Await
Wilderness - S/T
Flogging Molly - Drunken Lullabies

My Forgotten Holiday

I have taken a few shortcuts since my last post. There have certainly be some tough days since that post. I'd give myself an ok for the course though. I haven't done great, but I haven't fallen completely flat on my face. If that isn't a sign of God's grace, I don't know what is.

Easter, God's best picture of grace, is a holiday that always seems to sneak up on me. This year wasn't much different. I went to church, and made up an Easter basket for A, but other than that, I ended up paying more attention to golf than I did Easter. I don't even like golf that much. I'd call it a shortcut to calmness. It is very soothing to fall asleep to golf on TV on a Sunday afternoon. Rather than connecting, I withdrew. It is a frustrating cycle. Even still, I have a God, a wife, family, and friends that love me. I don't honor them as much as I should, but they all give grace whether or not I want to see or accept it. That's a nice thought to head off to bed on.

Recent Playlist:
Peter Bjorn and John - Writer's Block
John Hiatt - Walk On
Blonde Redhead - 23
Lassie Foundation - Pacifico
Bright Eyes - Cassadaga
Damien Rice - O
Someone Still Loves You Boris Yelstin - Broom
Sonic Youth - Daydream Nation
Caribou - The Milk of Human Kindness
Menomena - Friend or Foe
Sunny Day Real Estate - How It Feels to Be Something On
Trespassers William - Different Stars
Belle and Sebastian - If You're Feeling Sinister

Milestones

25 years and 11 months ago to the day, my life here began. It would be a while before I had memories of my own, but I am told (and there is photographic proof) that the day I was born, I kicked my twin sister leaving a inked footprint on her face. Life was easy, and I am told I was a calm baby.

2 years ago to the day, after a performance of Swan Lake, I drove a girl that I love to a building with a lot of fountains and asked her to be my wife. Never mind that the fountains were turned off due to high winds; she said yes, then we headed to get some cheesecake. Life was getting more complicated, but things were good.

4 months ago to the day, I sat at this same desk and started writing. I decided that I would write here every day for 25 days chronicling that short period of my life. I succeeded in writing at least something everyday, and I listened to a lot of music that I listed out, but I didn't do so hot with staying deep into the Word or memorizing scripture like I was planning on. I'd call the experiment about a 40% success. Life was complicated, but the music was good.

Today, here I am again. I was challenged by a simple sermon at church this morning, was disappointed by a poor out of the Mavs against the Suns, and I filed our taxes. Life is more complicated than it seems, and I find myself a bit lost sometimes. I get caught up in the troubles and politics of home and the office and relationships with people in general. I want to be a good husband and worker and friend, but I find myself much more interested in getting to the next day than putting effort in when the time arises.

My challenge this morning was in a sermon titled "No Short Cuts." The sermon was delivered under the premise that the message was simple, and the truth in it would be in the application. I have made it these 25 years and 11 months coming down a path that includes many shortcuts, many roundabout trips, and a few straight paths. I look back and see some things I wish I would have done differently, but all in all I can't complain about the grace and love that I have been given. I have a great life filled with a wife who loves me in spite of me being a jerk sometimes and more often than not I fail at loving in a way that she needs to be loved. I have a job that affords me some growth in knowledge and pays the bills along with some extra money that I waste more than I should. I have other friends and family that love and support me even when I am not open to letting them in, with all of this in spite of the fact that I don't call enough or give much back sometimes. I have a God who loves me in spite of the fact that I too often care more about myself than serving or

I'll turn 26 one month from today. I'm not going to write here everyday because I don't know how productive that would really be right now, but I am going to set some goals for the next 30 days, and I will be doing some more writing here for similar reasons to why I did in December. The card that was handed out after the sermon today outlined 3 things to make your prayer this month. Talk to God Daily. Read the Word daily. Pursue relations with other who can encourage me in my walk. These three are a good start. The first two are much more of a struggle than they used to be. The third is hard too. I have people in my life who can and do encourage me, but I need to be much more open to their encouragement and do a better job of being an encouragement to them.

I have been very drained by being too self involved. If I am going to be drained this month, I want it to be because I have spent my energy on being a better husband, worker, and friend. I want to make sure that at least every day, I am saying or doing something to encourage my wife. A goal for work is a bit tougher. I don't know how to quantify being a better worker, but I know that I haven't been as diligent as I should. I would also like to make a better effort to get to know my co-workers. With friends and family, I would like to do a better job of staying in contact. I would like to make sure that at least once a day, I am doing something directly related to encouraging or helping them be it e-mail, a call, or something else.

Withdrawing isn't working. It hasn't been my plan at all, but in the terms of this morning’s sermon, the shortcuts have led me here. It seems like probably once every couple of months, conviction reaches this point with me, and I'll make some sort of grand statement of intent. Sometimes that statement is verbal. I've written it. I've thought about it and held it in. Time after time, I have made it to this point and still not been able to make it over the hump. I don't know what is going to separate this time from others over the last couple of years, but I can do nothing but read, pray, and make efforts to engage.

Recent Playlist:
A ton of Bob Dylan - Nashville Skyline, Blonde on Blonde, Hwy 61 Revisited, Love and Theft, Time Out of Mind, John Wesley Harding, Slow Train Coming, Blood on the Tracks
R.E.M. - Automatic for the People.
Patty Griffin - Children Running Through
The Paper Chase - Now You Are One of Us